1 cup whole pecans
A gallon jug of very inexpensive vinegar
3 egg whites
Lots of salt
1 cup sugar
splintery wooden spoon
A KJV Bible (Do not substitute!)
Have your domestic help (preferably one that speaks some form of discernible English) preheat your custom-made, stainless, professional-quality oven to 300 degrees. If you don't have help, get some before continuing.
Place pecans in zipper baggie and let children beat them with the wooden spoon, screaming foul words of derision, to break pecans into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested, and before the bloodthirsty Jews killed him, Roman soldiers beat Him just like your appalingly vicious children are beating those helpless pecans. Read John 19:1-3.
Put 1 teaspoon of vinegar into mixing bowl. Let each child smell the inexpensive vinegar. Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross, and His mother was busy playing dice with the handsome Centurions, He was given vinegar to drink. If they dare to ask, "Well, why didn't He just turn it into a precocious chardonnay?" fill a plastic tumbler with vinegar and say, "Here's your chardonnay, you little smart aleck!" If they complain, ask them, "Do you, as a sinful little nobody, deserve better than Jesus, even if He was too big of a drama queen to miracle himself a simple glass of water?" Read John 19:28-30.
Add egg whites to vinegar. Tell the children that white was the color of Jesus’ skin -- and generally the best color to be (unless you are Mrs. Bowers’ shoes) when passing a police car. Explain that the meringue symbolizes the soft fluffy clouds in heaven that your children, as wretched sinners, have little chance of ever actually seeing. Read John 10:10-11.
Sprinkle a little salt into each child's hand. Make them eat it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus' followers (even though they cared about Him to a degree just shy of showing up), and the bitterness of the children's disgusting sins. Remind them just how impure they are and how undeserving they are of His love - or your cookies! Read Luke 23:27.
So far, the ingredients have not been very appetizing and the children may be feeling rather queasy. Add 1 cup sugar. Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that God loves us so much that He, via His son/self, killed Himself for us. Don't let them ask a lot of pesky, logic-obsessed follow-up questions as, frankly, this overly dramatic, unstable suicide thing all gets a little hard to explain -- just brandish the vinegar if things get tricky.Read Ps. 34:8 and John 3:16.
While bellowing Amazing Grace, beat with a mixer on high speed and fold in broken nuts. Drop by teaspoons onto a wax paper covered cookie sheet. Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus' body was laid. Remind them that if perfect Jesus was buried in a hole, they, as vile sinners, deserve to be thrown out into the road to be pecked to death by crows and run over by Minivans. Read Matt. 27:57-60.
Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven OFF. Now is a good time to top-off your pitcher of Manhattans.
Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door. Explain that Jesus's tomb was sealed, cutting off His last bit of oxygen so that He would have quickly suffocated. Like the Jews, they too are now responsible for killing Jesus. Tell them, "You just killed the Lord Jesus! I hope you're satisfied!" Read Matt. 27:65-66.
Send your children to bed, telling them they will be sad to be without the cookies, just as a handful of people in the Bible seemed to be gloomy to the point of almost showing it over being without Jesus, although most of His followers seemed shockingly nonchalant about the whole thing, apparently having previous engagements more important than attending His crucifixion.
After about an hour, it's probably time to add some Chivas Regal Royal Salute and a splash of vermouth to your pitcher of Manhattans, so do this and then open the oven. The cookies are wonderful with a few gulps of your heavenly elixir. Verily, you won’t stop until there is none left. Glory! (Oh, and eat the cookies, too!)
When your children come downstairs in the morning, they will discover that the oven door has been ripped open and all of the cookies have disappeared. Remind them that this is exactly what happened when Jesus’ followers returned to the tomb and found Him gone – only, after three days, that tomb probably didn’t smell as fragrant as your $3,000 oven.
If your spoiled children cry because they didn’t get any of the delicious cookies, simply remind them that they are worthless sinner who deserve to be tortured in Hell. Furthermore, since their sins killed the Lord Jesus, the last thing they deserve is treats! Ask them, "Would you expect Reese's Peanut Butter Cups if you killed the dog?"
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