by Secular Human
I met my future wife in the late 1970s.
After dating for several weeks, she invited me over to her apartment
for dinner. This is when I met Damien for the first time. He was six
years old.
As I got to know the women I would
eventually marry better, I realized Damien had problems. His Mother,
Terri, indicated Damien had Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
(ADHD). Damien did seem to bounce off walls and was very active. He
was also very manipulative, often locking the door to his room and
blocking the door with his body when his mother tried to get into his
room. Damien would frequently bring his mother to tears.
When Damien was four, his mother and
father had divorced. From what I can gather, the father was a mama's
boy who had a manipulative mother that my wife called 'Granny. ' Granny
was greatly responsible for getting Damien's father thorough college.
According to my wife, Granny wrote all of the father's term papers in
college. Granny was also greatly contributed to the divorce between
Ray's mother and father. Granny was eccentric and had also divorced.
Narcissists are not solitary creatures.
Paul Lutis wrote an article about narcissist and mentioned that all
narcissists have enablers. A
"narcissistic
enabler" is a particular personality type that the
narcissist depends upon. This can become a lifelong pattern, one
that is so malignant and powerful that the enabler cannot live
without a narcissist to enable, even though he or she openly holds
narcissists in contempt.
Over protective mothers are natural enablers
to narcissists because they constantly wish to reaffirm their child.
Narcissists frequently have multiple enablers at both home and work.
Dr. Sam Vaknin discusses magical thinking in narcissists. Magical thinking postulates that one is able to exert influence over other people, inanimate objects, and events, merely by projecting one's thoughts. Infants get over this at age 3. Narcissists and other people continue to use this thought process which leads to grandiose self views later in life. This leads to unrealistic views of where the narcissist fits into the world.
Damien was on a power trip at an early age. He was primarily interested in big powerful things like earth moving equipment, large trucks and the Incredible Hulk. Terri took her son to see someone dressed up at the Incredible Hulk at a local mall. Damien was frightened by the man in the costume and apparently believed the man in the Incredible Hulk suit was real because of his magical thinking.
Every Friday, I would take Terri and her son to dinner. Damien had some problems with his feet when he young and wanted to be carried everywhere like a baby. Once he weighed 75 lbs at about age 7, I had to insist that he would have to do his own walking. I could no longer carry him.
In addition, in every outing, Damon would insist that I buy him a toy. I would go into a drug store and buy a $1 or $2 dollar toy to shut him up. Eventually I told him I could no longer afford to buy him a toy every time his mother and I went out. As time went on, I became less of an enabler and developed an adversarial view toward his constant demands.
I also recall another incident at a family restaurant. I ordered a steak for Terri and myself and an item from the kid's menu for Damien. When the food arrived, Damien made a huge scene because he though he was also entitled to a steak. I eventually ordered a steak dinner for him which arrived near he end of the meal. Damien refused to eat it.
I married Damon's mother when When Damon was eight. We got a kitten for Damien and Terri suggested father-son project to make a cat scratch post. I went to the garage with Damon to build the cat scratch post.
I asked Damon where he thought the center of the board was to we could place the cat scratch post correctly. He put his finger down on the board which I marked.
Damien insisted that he had found the real center of the board. I took out the straight edge and measured the height and width of the board. I then marked the center of the board's top and bottom and left and right. I then drew lines between the vertical and horizontal centers of the board which matched the earlier center I found crossing lines between the corners.
I then took a ruler and drew two lines between the corners or vertices of the base of the project. I showed that this was the easiest way to find the center. Most kids would intuitively understand this, but not Damien.
Damien became hysterical because I would not agree with him. His mother suggested that I be gentler with him. I wondered then why Damien was unable to see a simple truth and why such a young person would argue with an adult.
Sandy Hotchkiss has identified the seven deadly sins of narcissism I
have already discussed one of them: magical thinking which I would
describe as a distorted view of reality. Lets look at some of the
Hotchkiss' other sins that apply to Damion.
Arrogance
- A narcissist who is feeling deflated may re-inflate by diminishing,
debasing, or degrading somebody else. Damien was an arrogant child
who had a great deal of difficulty with adults. Between ages six and
eight his mother moved him from a public school to a private school
where he continued to have conflicts with teachers.
Once we married, we moved him to a fundamentalist private school
that used the contract system that revolved around children
completing work books at a child's own pace. It was very regimented
there and he seemed to settle down.
However, when I was reassigned in the Air Force to a base in the
East, he immediately had conflicts with a middle school teacher who
stated he has a lip on him more like a high school student. Damien
had always been verbally aggressive and would 'talk the talk', but
most of the time he couldn't 'walk the walk.'
Envy - A
narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another
person's ability by using contempt to minimize the other person. Envy
is closely related to the arrogance sin. Narcissists go into
disbelief when they are one upped by someone else. Damien perceived
himself as a athlete as he got older and constantly derided other athletes when they succeeded in sports programs.
When he was 18, he told me me he would be a millionaire living in
a beach house, driving two cars and owning a boat by the time he was
35. These statements had a lot to do with the grandiose views that
narcissists have of themselves. He was essentially telling me that he was
going to do a lot better in life than I had done.
At age 35, I reminded Damien of his bet when he was 35, but he he
insisted that the bet was still on. At age 38, he was driving a 15
year old Ford Explorer, living at home and had no girlfriend. He didn't even own a dinghy.
In
fact, he had trouble developing a relationship with females. He had
one girlfriend for about 3 months before he discovered she had been
dating another person in his profession. Somehow that disqualified
her as a girlfriend. He had one other girlfriend on and off for a
couple of years in his mid-thirties. I suspect he had been looking for a female enabler.
I warned Damien that his chances of finding a wife in his late
thirties was about 1:4. Once he got into his forties, the odds went
up to 1:25 for a man who had never married.
Entitlement
- Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment and automatic compliance with their wishes because they consider
themselves special. Any failure to comply will be considered an
attack on their superiority and the perpetrator is considered to be a
'difficult' or 'worthless' person.
If you defy a narcissist, it can trigger narcissistic rage as
described in the cat post event.
A narcissistic child may arise out of a bad divorce. The mother
may be over protective and become a narcissistic enabler to
compensate for the divorce. The narcissistic child may feel that he
was treated unfairly by the divorce and is owed something by the
parents who care for him.
Exploitation
- can take many forms but always involves the using of others without
regards for their feelings or interests.
When Damien was 17 he wanted a car. I offered to take him down to
the nearby Air Force base to see what was available. When a lot of
airmen would ship out overseas, they would try to sell their cars.
Well, my offer wasn't good enough. Damien wanted a 20 year old
Chevy that had been overhauled and had one of the biggest production
engines ever manufactured. Power was always essential to his ego
needs. I advised him that such a vehicle was not suitable for a young
driver.
