Episode 5: Republicans Island--The Islanders hold a Presidential Election

Since the RNC landed on Republican's Island when the SS Minnow beached there, there have been many conflicts between Michael Steele, the eccentric millionaire, and Professor New Gingrich, the old authoritarian Speaker of the House.

Skipper Mitt has tried to keep the peace and Bachagain, Michele Bachmann, has been trying to convert all of the survivors to her evangelical faith. Sarah Palin, the aspiring actress, has been catching a lot of “mystery meat” for the RNC and just caught a Right Whale which should feed everyone for weeks. Carry Prejean, the Beauty Contestant has lost her crown and is looking for it. The islanders decide they need a president to stop all of the bickering between Newt and Michael.

After several hour of bickering, Newt, Skipper Mitt, and Micheal and Michele announce they want to be president of the island. Sarah Palin says she would rather hunt for game and Carie Prejean says she just wants her crown back and needs to look for it. “Once I get back home, I may run for governor,” said Carrie. Fox News was really impressed with me and so was the National Organization of Marriage.

Michele Steele made the first pitch for the presidency of the island.

Michael Steele: I am running for president because I am the leader of the Republican Party and have been a former Lieutenan

Newt Gingrich: Now, Rush Limbaugh is the real leader of the GOP. You even apologized to him, you wimp. I was the Speaker of the House and wrote the Contract with America. It is not important that the GOP never honored the contract, I got lots of Republicans elected.

Micheal Steele: Yes, but you were forced to resign because you bitched about sitting in back or Air Force One. You retaliated by cutting off funds to the federal government and lost your speakership over it. You were also married and getting BJs form your girlfriend while Bill Clinton was being impeached. You were one of the most authoritarian speakers ever and disbanded the committee system based on seniority. This island doesn't need to ruled by an iron fist.

Skipper Mitt: Now boys, clam down. I know one of you is far right and the other is liberal. I fit right in the middle. I don't try to fool voters or ever run around on my wife. And don't forget the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City. I turned it around.

Professor Newt: Yes, and the Massachusetts legislature reversed your vetoes more times than any other governor. The Boston Globe described you as an ineffective governor and which was was supported by public polls that gave your governorship low marks after you left office. You have to turn the Olympics around because businessmen in Salt Lake city bribed members of the International Olympic Committee.

While all of this was happening, Bachagain was quietly talking to all of the islanders. She indicated to Michale Steele she would vote for him in the first round provided he voted for her in the fourth. Then she told Professor Newt she would vote for him the second if he voted for her in the fourth. She told Skipper Mitt she would vote for him in the third, if he would vote for her in the forth round if there was one.

Bachagain also told Carrie Prejean and Sarah Palin that they were evangelical sisters and that they should always vote for her. I will establish a theocracy on the Island with required Bible reading and only allow 'opposite' marriage on this island. She told Mitt that she recognized the Mormon cult was evangelical. She also talked to the Professor and said she couldn't understand why he had become a tool of the Vatican, but at least he was a Christian. She didn't talk to Michael Steele because he was a liberal.

Because all of the candidates were Republican, they didn't believe in majority rule and insisted on a 60 per cent super majority. This had worked out well for the GOP in the Senate for years.

In the first round no one got even forty per cent of the vote because everyone voted for themselves except Bachagain. The same results occurred in the second and third rounds with no one reaching the 60 per cent super majority, although Skipper Mitt got 50 per cent of the vote in the third. He furiously lobbied to pick up the one more vote he needed. But then he remembered he promised to vote for Bachagain in the forth.

Bachagain won in the fourth round with 100 per cent of the vote and Michael Steele almost fainted.

Bachagain: As your new president, Republican's Island is now a theocracy. First of all, there will be no 'he and he' or 'she and she' marriages on Republican Island. Carrie Prejean beamed when Bachagain said that.

Anybody who wants to get married should contact Carry Prejean, who is your priestess.

Bachagain: Everybody get out your Bible : Let's start with Genesis:

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth .

In the Episode 6 Carrie Prejean does something unthinkable to Skipper Mitt's magick Morhpin' Mormon underwear.

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Episode Four of of Republicans Island: The Bobby Gin Doll

The story so far.  Michael Steele and band of trusty Republicans were evicted from Park Place on Fantasy Island. They sailed off on the SS Minnow, Bernie Madoff's old yacht and got into a terrible storm. The ship was beached on Republican island and has been setting up camp for the past weekend. 

The RNC has it first strategy meeting and decide to rename the “Party of No” the 'Party of Perhaps.

Michael Steele, the condescending millionaire, notices that Bachagain, Michele Bachman, is playing with a voodoo doll and sticking pins in it.

What are you doing, Bachagain?” asked the millionaire.

“Oh, nothing,” said Bachagain trying to hide the voodoo doll.

Steele asked her, “Is that a Bobby Gin Doll?”

“Uh, no,” said Bachagain.

Steele grabbed the doll form her and looked at it. He then handed the doll back to Bachagain. Michele, “You should be ashamed for sticking pins in a Republican goober-nor. Shame on you. Why did you do this,” exclaimed Steele.

Well, Bobby is a Mexican. I have also heard he isn't Christian, blurted out Bachagain.

"No,” said Micheal Steele, Bobby has Indian ancestry and his father was a physicist.

Bachagain asked, “If Bobby is a native American, why isn't he on a reservation? “

“Oh, Bachagain you are so dense. Bobby is from India in Asia.” Said Steele. Most American Indians do not live on reservations

“Well,” said Bachagain, “Then he must be a Hindoo, I've heard his real name is 'Piyush,' not 'Bobby.'”

Steele said the goobernors real name was, in fact, Piyush. He changed it to Booby because he liked one of the characters on the Brady Bunch. In addition, all of the kids on the playground said 'Piyush” was a gay name.

Bachagain started putting more needles in the doll. Michael Steele asked her again, “Why are you doing that?”

Bachagain stated that is Bobby was Indian, he must be a Hindoo and worship Lord Vishnu, the god with the blue skin.

No, said Micheal Steele. Please get me some water, Bachagain as he sat down.

As Bachagain left, Michael Steele wondered how the people of Minnesota had reelected her.

When Bachagain returned, Steele explained that Booby had converted to Roman Catholicism when he was 16.

See, said Bachagain, I knew he was a hindoo. You can never get the “dew” out of a Hindu. So Bobby says he is Roman Catholic now, isn't that special” exactly like you would expect a church lady to say it.

Well, said Steele, Bobby is good Republican. He has offshored thousands of jobs from his state of Louisiana. He is an up and comer in the GOP. We even call him 'Offshore Bobby' inside of the party.

Oh, said Bachagain. Well, then he must be a Christian. She started to pull all of the pins out of the Bobby Gin doll.

Suddenly announcement came over the radio that Barack Obama wanted to end the tax breaks for companies that were off shoring American jobs.

“Oh no' said Micheal Steele. “This isn't good news. “

Well, what do you expect from a Black Muslim that goes to Louis Farrakhan's mosque.

Michael Steel was speechless.

Next Republicans Island episode: A president is elected on Republicans Island.

 


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Episode three of of Republicans Island: Michael Steele wants the “Party of No” to become the “Party of Perhaps”

The story so far. Micheal Steele and band of trusty Republicans were evicted from Park Place on Fantasy Island. They sailed off on the S.S. Minnow, Bernie Madoff's old yacht and got into a terrible storm. The ship was beached on Republicans island and has been setting up camp for the past weekend.

Michaels Steel, the condescending millionaire, asked for a strategy meeting today with skipper Mitt, the Professor Newt, the actress Sarah, and Carry Prejean, the beauty contestant. George W. Bush is the radio announcer.

Micheal Steele: This “Party of No” thing is starting to hurt the Republicans. We need something more positive.

“What do you think, Skipper Mitt?” Said Steele.

Skipper Mitt, suggested the Party of Middle, “I have always tried to work things out in the middle. Sometimes I'm a bit liberal and sometimes a bit conservative.”

Michale Steele said that the Party of the Middle would not appeal to conservatives. He also told Mitt that his Magick Mormon morphin' underwear was showing. Mitt went back to the wreck of S.S. Minnow to fix his pants.

Michele Bachmann who plays Bachagain, suggested that the GOP become the Party of Jesus. This has worked well for me in Minnesota except at a charter school.

Michael Steele indicated that would alienate some mainline Christians, Muslims and Jews because Bachagain was an evangelical. He asked Bachagain to get him some water.

He then turned to the actress, Sarah. Sarah was sitting on the freshly skinned hide of what appeared to be lowland mountain gorilla, an endangered species.

“Where did you get that hide,” asked Michale Steele. <

Oh, us girls from Alaskie, have our ways,” smiled Sarah. It was very tasty after I marinated it in buttermilk for a day. It is sure hot today, isn't it.

She thought the party of religion might work. “Dontcha know, I'm an evangelical like Bachagain, too. Skipper Mitt is an evangelical,too, but he is in that Mormon cult. “

Steele turned to Professor Newt. I am authority on new Republican ideas and I think the “Party of Maybe” will work. This won't offend conservatives. independents or any of our religious base.

At this point a handsome Skipper Mitt walked back into the hut. He hair was immaculate and you couldn't see his Magick morphin' Mormon underwear anymore.

That's not bad, professor, but how about the Party of Perhaps. It has more alliteration is it.

Bachagain jumped up with her fist raised. “Who called me illiterate. I'm not illiterate. I read the Bible every day.

Micheal Steele told Bachagain to go get him so more water. He assured her the conversation was not about her.

“What a bozo, Steele muttered under his breath after Bachagain has left the room.

Carie Prejean, the beauty contestant, also piped up, “What about gay and lesbian marriage. You know how I feel about that. “

Michael Steele said, “Carrie you know how we all fell about that, too. But sometimes you just have to say 'perhaps.'

“Hey,” said the professor, “someone on the radio said the Coast Guard is looking for us, but they will call the search off tomorrow if they don't find us. A conservative group called the Resurgent Republicans is hoping they don't find us. We''ll how is that for party unity?”

By the way who is that mumble fuq the radio? Is he speaking Spanglish?

In the next episode of Republicans Island, the Bobby Gin Doll.

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Episode 2: USS Minnow beaches at Republican Island

Episode 2 opens with Bachagain played by Michelle Bachmann carrying the Steele's luggage from the boat, and spilling coffee on Newt Gingrich, the professor. The castaways from Park Place on Fantasy Island and wake up on the beached boat, and engage in practical problems: explore the island, try to fix the transmitter, build some huts and try to find food.

Bachagain (Michele Bachmann) plays the bumbling, dimwitted, accident-prone crewman of the SS Minnow. This is a role she is well-suited for.

The key character in new series called Republicans Island:

Michele Bachmann as Bachagain, the bumbling, dimwitted, accident-prone crewman of the S.S. Minnow. Michele was the unanimous choice and considered a natural for this role.

Mitt Romney, the "Skipper". A longtime actor in B-westerns and dime store politics, Gingrich so loved his role that, long after the show went off the air, he would still appear in character in his Utah restaurant. Mitt functioned as a a father figure to Bachmann. Bachmann sometimes complained that Mitt had more than a fatherly interest in her and wanted her to convert to the Later Day Saints Faith so they could have a “spiritual marriage.”

Michael Steele as Thurston Howell, III, the condescending and eccentric millionaire. Steele was already a well-known politician when he took the part. He was perhaps best known as the voice of the cartoon Cosby kid, Weird Harold. He reused some of the voice inflections and mannerisms of Weird Harold in the role. He was well known for his ad-libs on the set. The origin of the uber-rich Howell character dates back to 1990's radio when Steele portrayed the Father of Richy Rich in the Richy Rich movie.”

Sarah Palin as Ginger Grant, the movie star। When regular shooting began, Sarah clashed with producers and went rogue because she had believed that she was to be the main focus of the show। Her character was originally written as a sarcastic and sharp-tongued temptress, but Louise argued that this was too extreme and refused to play it as written। A compromise was reached; Louise agreed to play her as a cross between Angelina Jolie and Britney Spears. The expensive evening gowns and hair style used were designed to re-create the look of Lisa Ann, the porn star.

The producer, Randall Kitsch, said the show was nearly canceled because of Sarah Palin's wardrobe cost overruns. Sarah Palin was in litigation for many years over her expenses and claimed she had donated all of her dresses on Republicans Island to thrift shops.

In the first season, Ginger often wore gowns that looked as if they were tailored from SS Minnow tarps or similar faux cloth. Later on, she wore regular evening gowns with high heels. However, there were episodes where Ginger wore an almost tropical sarong style outfit while wearing flip flops or going barefoot. It was never explained where she got so many changes of clothing on a "three-hour tour.”

Newt Gingrich as Roy Hinkley (The Professor)। Newt looks old enough to have all the degrees attributed to the Professor. The Professor" was in fact a high school science teacher, not a university professor. In the first episode, the radio announcer described him as a research scientist and well-known Scoutmaster which is a good description of that old authoritarian Speaker of the House. Newt stated that he had some difficulty remembering his more technically-oriented lines.

Carrie Prejean as Mary Ann Summers. Prejean was the former Miss California when she auditioned for the role. She Continued to make commercials for the the National organization for Marriage during the production. She claimed she liked Mitt Romney and and was not against plural marriage or opposite marriage, just gay and lesbian marriage.

George W. Bush was the unheralded voice of the "Radio Announcer", whose plot-advancing radio bulletins were eagerly tuned in to by the castaways. The characters who would often pause between blurbs long enough for the characters to speak while reacting to the reports. George had to be fired because he kept bungling the lines. No one was surprised when he was let go.

In Episode three of Republican's Island: Michael Steele wants the “Party of No” to become the “Party of Perhaps.”

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Episode 1 Republicans Island: The RNC is evicted from Park Place on Fantasy Island

(Atlantic City) The Republican Party was evicted from the posh gated Park Place hotel community on Fantasy Island. Court records indicate that the Republican national Committee (RNC) had a sub prime mortgage from Countrywide Financial that had been in arrears for the past six months.

A large yacht that is believed to have been owned by Bernie Madoff pulled up to the GOP penthouse and loaded all of the RNC members who were led by RNC chairman, Michael Steele. The Madoff yacht is now named the USS Minnow.

Steele indicated that GOP fund raising was abysmal and the Republican Party could no longer pay the mortgage which had a big balloon on the adjustable rate mortgage(ARM). Steele said that Republicans are starting to understand the plight of the average American which will help them in the 2010 elections.

Park Place is a street in Atlantic City, New Jersey whose that is occupied by the Bally's Atlantic City casino and hotel. It is also one of the streets featured on the Parker Brothers board game Monopoly (game). Micheal Steel was aware of the irony of being evicted from Park Place.

Yes, said Steele, the GOP doesn't get to pass “GO this time.

Asked where the RNC would relocate. Steele said he didn't know. He indicated the rogue GOP Resurgent Republic was planning Town Hall meetings outside of the auspices of the RNC.

This is a dark time for the GOP, said Steele. “We are going out to sea to have a secret strategy meeting.”

“We need to leave right away because a terrible storm is approaching,” emphasized Steele.

As Rightardia waved good-bye ominous clouds were approaching. When would see Michael Steele make a political statement again?

Next episode: The GOP Yacht gets stranded on a small island somewhere out in the Atlantic. We get to meet the cast of the Republicans Island TV series: the eccentric millionaire Michael Steele, Skipper Mitt Romney, Professor Newt Gingrich, the actress Sarah Palin and the beauty contestant, Carrie Prejean and, of course, the star of the show, Michele Bachmann, as Bachagain.

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