Apparently they’re going to have a “run-off” election. In Afghanistan, that’s when the Taliban shows up and everyone runs off.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
It’s not easy holding an election in a country where 70 percent of the population is functionally illiterate. But hey, if we can do it in this country every four years…
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Apparently it’s no longer enough to be screaming as they’ve been doing at the town hall meetings, they’re now, have you seen this, bringing guns. I would say these people are armed to the teeth, but they have no teeth.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Stupid is a pre-existing condition.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
What advice would you give to kids today who want to break into Atheism?
- Bill Maher to Sam Harris, author of “The End of Faith”
You get the government you deserve.
- Jay Leno
You know who the best journalists are? The ones who used to do it.
- Chuck Todd
By the time I get there, it’ll be worthless. It’s in 4th place.
- Jay Leno about NBC
You prevent future torture by prosecuting past acts of torture.
- Jeremy Scahill
You’re constantly letting these officials off the hook on the fact that Obama’s continuing some of the worst of Bush’s policies when it comes to foreign affairs.
- Jeremy Scahill referring to the media
New Rule: Either bury Michael Jackson’s body, or send it out on that concert tour. Earlier this week, Joe Jackson said Michael would be buried at the end of the month, and now that’s been postponed. I don’t know what’s creepier, the fact that he’s going to spend eternity as a Zombie or that he saw it coming.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Stop acting so surprised that 90% of our paper money has cocaine on it. This is America. You’re lucky it doesn’t have gravy on it. Besides, if it weren’t for the coke, a dollar wouldn’t have any value at all.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: When you make the runners pee in a cup to check for drugs, you must also check to see if they’re peeing standing up. A South African runner has been ordered to undergo a test to determine if she’s really a woman. Which is fine, but if we’re really interested in testing which track star is what gender shouldn’t we start with Bruce Jenner?
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: If in your eyes America can do no wrong, you should look into Lasik surgery. You know, there’s the rational, mature assessment of our country: that it’s a great nation—especially if you like fried foods—but it also has its faults. And then there’s the modern-day Republican view: that America is infallible and pure in every way, and the Founders made a mistake when they wrote the phrase “In order to form a more perfect union.” Hello, it’s already perfect! Why are you suggesting American apologetics, Ben Franklin?
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Jay Leno, Rep. Jan Schakowsky, Chuck Todd, Sam Harris, and Jeremy Scahill.
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