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Showing posts with label landover bapstist church. Show all posts
Showing posts with label landover bapstist church. Show all posts

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Landover Baptist Church: Lucifer's Toy Chest

BANNED CHRISTMAS TOYS 2010!
The most dangerous toys ever created by Satan are listed below with specific and explicit details on our findings!  Each unchristian item is also linked to show you even more horrifying details and ignorant secular reports on Amazon.com!  

Click Here to have a closer look at this item on Amazon.comOur Baptist researchers found out the hard way that the Kinect Sensor makes use of body movements and gyrations in a particularly unfamiliar and disturbing activity called, "dancing." After experimenting with the device for nearly two days, three Baptist Pastors were hospitalized with broken hips, two 14 year old girls were accidentally impregnated, and one 10-year old boy had his testicles permanently damaged. . .


Click Here to have a closer look at this item on Amazon.com"Pillow Pets" are sexually suggestive, soft, and enticingly tender creatures. They are purposefully marketed to rural conservative families - mostly to our farming communities, many of whom will drive 100-miles to a Wal-Mart just to run their fingers through silky hair of one of these seductive beasts! "Pillow Pets" are strategically displayed with their inviting hind sides open wide and their alluring snouts smiling like the innocent goats and sheep you and your children tend to each day on the farm. Toymakers must know that Christian boys and girls always use pillows to commit the sin of self-abuse (masturbation), as they are forbidden to touch themselves. And, as any Baptist farmer will tell you, masturbation leads to bestiality! . . .

BANNED: BRATZ SLUT DOLLS
Click Here to have a closer look at this item on Amazon.comDo you want to purchase a doll that teaches your daughter how to dress like a slut? Do you want your daughter to take off a little boy's clothes and see what he looks like naked? Do you want your children to talk like a Negro while they are playing with their dolls? How about a doll that teaches your daughter how to get a tattoo and trade panties with her friends? . . .


See the rest of this very funny article at http://www.landoverbaptist.org/2010/december/luciferstoychest2010.html

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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Landdover Baptist church : Free Holiday Leftover Meal For Homeless Who Sign Contract and Confess Christ




Freehold, Iowa - Pastor Deacon Fred announced earlier this week that Landover Baptist will be providing free Thanksgiving leftover meals for the homeless population in downtown Freehold, Iowa. "They will have to confess Christ at the door, and sign an agreement where our church will get 25% off of all future money they get from panhandling," said church treasurer, Gil Anderson.

"We all know that these lazy irresponsible people won't learn a thing if they get a free handout. The agreement they sign will teach them a valuable lesson about life and maybe make them think twice about becoming a lay-about in God's favorite town, Freehold, Iowa!"

Church members are asked to donate leftovers from their Thanksgiving meals to assist in the homeless dinner which will take place one week after Thanksgiving.
"Someone will be by your houses with a bucket," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "We want to make this as easy as possible for everyone, so you just have to dump whatever slop you have left over into the bucket and we'll pitch it into some trash cans and let them cook it up down at the junkyard."

Homeless people who qualify for the free leftover meal will also be asked to sit through a small church service where they will sing hymns and smile through several photo sessions with wealthy church members and local Republican politicians. They will also be required to listen to Pastor Deacon Fred's 2-hour Thanksgiving sermon. There will be an additional altar call after the service for those who wish to rededicate their lives to Christ again after making a profession of faith two-hours earlier.


Disclaimer: So-called, "Christian" homeless people are not welcome to the free meal since we all know that there is no such thing as a Christian homeless person (at least not in Freehold, Iowa). The "Christian" homeless person will be offered a chance to deny Christ and then reconfess Him, then rededicate under Pastoral supervision.
source: http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1106/homeless.html

source: http://rt.com/Top_News/2009-12-11/stalin-letter-sothebys-auction.html#

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