A Special True Christian™ Report Concerning the Origin of Santa Claus
Freehold, Iowa - Satan's evil plan has created jobs for hundreds of thousands of old lecherous pedophiles throughout this Godly country every December.
These filthy homeless hobos just lay on their urine-stained cardboard beds 11 months out of the year, dreaming of Christmas when they can drunkenly traipse into the warmth of departments stores and have innocent little Christian children sit on their vermin-infested laps.
Unwary parents happily snap pictures while Satan's obesely wheezing drunks ask their children whether they've been "bad" and whisper lewd suggestions in their angelic little ears with their filthy booze-breath and cigarette-discolored lips.
How many unsuspecting tots have suffered a quick grope before Satan's little helper moves on to the next hopeful child in line?
People think that Halloween is the time of year that Satan dresses up, but this is just flat-out wrong. See? The Devil will always try to fool you!
Halloween is when Satan delights in watching humans dress in ways that will ensure them entry into the Devil's realm.
But it is Christmas time that the Devil saves for himself! It is then when he puts on his most devious costume! And it takes no Sherlock Holmes to see that the Devil's annual disguise is none other than Santa!
He even wears his favorite color -- demon red. Even his last name, "Claus," is Olde English for "hoof-claws."
